British Parent Bloggers

An article by guest writer Joanna Cake

I have been reading a manual called ‘You Want to do What?’ by Karen Sullivan. 

The front cover claims that this book will give you ‘Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas’.

It was very interesting…

I didn’t read it in any particular order, just dipping into the various subject headings as they took my fancy and, not long after I’d got it, I left the bright yellow paperback lying on my bed. 

A few hours later, my 13-year-old son came in to the room where I was on the computer looking shocked.  He was holding the book open on the offending page and announced: ‘Mum, what are you doing reading a book with a whole section about masturbation?!!’

I hardly looked up from my computer screen as I replied: ‘Well, why not?  It’s a perfectly natural function and one which you shouldn’t be ashamed of.  Just don’t get a crusty carpet.’

His look of shock morphed into one of perplexed confusion.  A friend of ours had teenage boys and so I explained that ‘… if you let the stuff that comes out land on the floor, it makes the carpet stick together in a crispy patch so please try to catch it in a tissue.’

He asked further questions about girls and masturbation and I tried to remain just as matter of fact about it being a perfectly normal but private moment for both sexes and he seemed content with this.

When I checked with the book later that evening, I think I pretty much did as it advised.  Emphasising that it was perfectly natural when done in the privacy of their own room but not really any of my business.

A couple of weeks later, my 17-year-old daughter also asked me about the book.  She had read through several chapters and her view was that it appeared as if the author had never actually been a teenager.

Keeping both those two exchanges at the back of my mind as I perused the book over the following weeks, my overriding impression was that it was all very sensible theoretical advice but I have to admit that sometimes I did wonder whether they had actually had to deal with a real life stroppy, hormone-driven, completely unreasonable teenager.  Or, more to the point, one who was actually related to them and could use everything they had ever said as leverage/blackmail against their so reasonable assertions and arguments.  

I read in an article recently that the various parts of a teenager’s brain develop at different speeds and, whilst the parts that arouse them emotionally and make them pay attention to peer pressure are on full throttle, the frontal lobes which control impulses and resistance to peer pressure are still developing.  They are totally unable to see the link between behaviour and consequence. The article said that an eminent psychologist professor had described the teenage brain as being like a car with a good accelerator but a bad brake.  As a parent, this is a crucial factor to remember.

In its favour, the book did give me several pointers that I had not considered in a few areas and also flagged up possible problems that I had not envisaged having to deal with.  Certainly a book to read well before the problems rear their ugly heads so that you have some form of stance formulated in your mind for when/if it does. 

The introduction was particularly informative.  It covered all the different styles of parenting and the possible consequences on those children.  It also dealt with things that we all fear - that our kids are just growing up too damn fast and seem to have no patience or respect for anything or anyone.  The section on what children are legally permitted to do at what age was very helpful.

It really does seem to cover every eventuality to which your child could be exposed - dealing with different religious beliefs, sexuality, behaviour, morals, hygiene - and gives clear, concise and helpful guidance on how to respond in these areas.  When my children were younger, I would have been grateful for some of the advice given.

But just bear in mind what I said earlier.  In a lot of situations, your own teenager will not be rational or coherent with you in the way they might be with an independent adult like a counsellor.  They may not respond to you in a calm or adult fashion.  They indulge in circular arguments, shift away from any form of blame taking and try to push it elsewhere.  It’s like walking in quicksand trying to get to the bottom of a lot of problems because they specialise in distraction techniques away from the original point of the discussion.  And when they turn round and throw invective-filled hatred at your own shortcomings at you as reasons why they are behaving the way they are… well, that can really take the wind out of your sails in terms of both being reasonable and balanced and I don’t think any book can fully prepare you for the shock of that… every time it happens.

So, as a parent, I would definitely recommend reading it to get a balanced perspective on the situations you may have to deal with over the first twenty or so years of your child’s life and suggested ways of dealing with them but with the previous words of caution about the differences between practical and theory.